Somewhere, between a one night-stand and a relationship lies a wonderful thing called “the lover”.

The definition of a lover could be a more casual and often temporary romantic partner. Unlike friends with benefits, lovers can harbor romantic feelings for each other it is said.

So if a woman, in our case a young single mother who hasn’t got the time, nerve or the right partner for a relationship but also doesn’t want to go into the dating game and bed-hopping? What does she do? She takes a lover.

In an ideal world, the idea of this type of relationship is that you can be with someone you are attracted to. who you share romantic feelings with, share affection, respect each other, have mind-blowing sex, magic dates, great conversations and true kisses and you basically benefit from the “best versions of each other” as you only meet when you both are in a good place.

The term “lover” allows two people to enjoy passion without the trappings of domesticity and expectations

Unlike in a relationship or marriage, you leave your personal problems at the door. You don’t compromise, you simply enjoy. You also know, that there might be a limit to your time together every time you meet, for example you never sleep at each others places and also in general, you both know it will not go deeper relationshipwise.

And there is such a delicious joy in having a wonderful evening, great sex but then you get to sleep alone in your comfy bed with your unsexy pyjamas on and have your morning for yourself. Or yourself and your kids.

The only challenge here is to not get attached though.

How not to get attached?

First of all let me say this:

In the end, no woman and no man can control their hearts. If a love affair happens to turn into something more for both of you and you reach a point where you want to commit to each other and try the next level - go for it!

But this might not be the case in most romantic love affairs.

However, women (like me) are more likely to get romantically attached when treated right, the sex is amazing and when there is also a lot of caress, sweet words and tender cuddles, it does affects our hearts. Therefor, we need to protect ourselves and the key to not getting lost when taking a lover is this:

You gotta love yourself first.

As simple as it sounds, this might be the most challenging thing. But it is so important.

Yes, you can still be in your healing journey - it will probably never end - but I would not recommend taking a lover as long as you feel fragile, insecure, shattered to pieces and dwelling about your past relationship.

It is important that you know your worth, learned to prioritize your wellbeing, that you know how to take care of yourself regardless of your circumstances in order to don’t give in to any compromises.

Only a clear mindset and strong boundaries will allow you to completely surrender into the pleasure.

Rules for taking a lover

01.

Always, ALWAYS use protection. And by that I mean condoms. Your body, your health, your reproductive system and Mamãe, your cycle - all of this is way too precious for taking any risks. Also simply emotionally, a condom provides protection in this area too. Allowing a man access to your most holy place with all the risks, including a pregnancy or STD is a privilege that must be earned and can only be granted when you know you are more than lovers.

02.

Remember that both of you are not looking for a relationship. Be prepared to let him go whenever either one of you feels like it’s time to end it. Never beg for attention or love. If you a looking for a relationship, a lover is not the right man. You might discover your need for a relationship during a love affair though, that’s actually amazing but it most likely has nothing to do with your current lover. It is something very important and wonderful that you discover for yourself.

Be careful with projecting this desire onto your lover. Because then you start to wish for more, you get sad when he leaves and you develop anger against him because you developed expectations that he, in his role as a lover, may not fulfill.

03.

If you DO find out that both of you have relationship potential, you should slow down and get to know each other more.

Because sometimes great sex can fool us and we lose the ability to separate lust from love. Learn about each others hearts, souls and dark sides and slow down the sex a little. Well maybe, that’s the most challenging part.

04.

Know your deal-breakers. You don’t have to know a lot about him, you don’t have to agree with his music taste, you don’t even have to like his style of fashion but make sure, you have some non-negociables. For example, if he sleeps with other women too and you are not ok with it.

Ciao.

05.

Constantly check in with yourself. Practice mindfulness and self care on a daily basis. Identify how you feel about certain events, situations and make sure to know the roots of your irritation or anger if they arise. Journal, be aware of your cycle, handle your own emotions with grace and be mindful when adressing them with your lover.

I am not saying, that you should not talk about things that bother either of you but make sure to don’t project all of your emotions on him for he is there for pleasure not for solving your problems. Take time for yourself when you need to. Protect your menstruation, this may be a time where you clearly communicate that this is time for yourself only.

06.

Listen to your heart. Should you feel that being with him makes you unhappy for whatever reason, and it might be falling in love with him, knowing there is no future for you - set him free.

Or if there is anything about the conversations the two of you have or if he ignores certain needs of you in bed, anything that bothers you to a point that you feel like you are compromising your own wellbeing and happiness, it’s time to gracefully say goodbye.

And I mean it when I say gracefully. Be grateful for what you had and then move on.

In conclusion:

As long as it feels good for both of you, enjoy it to the fullest.

If it starts to stress you out or you discover that you want something more or something else check in with yourself if it is really about him, because the nature of taking a lover is, that both of you only know the good part of each other.

Be aware of the fact that you are sharing the best versions of you, the real life with all its responsibilities, a family life etc. would probably look very much different. Everybody looks different in bright daylight with everyday life´s responsibilities and struggles.

You might not even wanna know his dark side and as a lover you don’t have to.

And that Mamãe, is the beauty of it.

Love

Linda