you can still love them from afar - setting boundaries with toxic family members
When we become mothers, we are even more receptive for criticism, guilt and insecurity.
Many mothers experience a violation of their own boundaries from their own parents or in-laws when they become mothers themselves. When certain family members are being rude, invasive or careless we feel trapped between standing up for ourselves, protecting our children but also respecting our parents or other family members. Because in the end we are family and blood is thicker than water, they say.
But is it really? And do we want this?
When adult children chose to limit or go no contact with their own parents, they have reasons. And they have had those reasons for a long time.
As for me, it took me 33 years and 4 years into motherhood to finally set the boundaries with my family, especially my mother that I should have set 20 years ago. For me, my Baby was the one that gave me the strength, the right reasons and words to set those boundaries, to even go no contact and to be prepared to endure the consequences and grief that comes with it.
It is probably one of the most heartbreaking decisions to make because naturally we all wish to have good and loving relationships with our parents, regardless of our age. This is the reason we try to find ways over and over again to maintain those connections. No matter how much our own boundaries have been violated, we have been criticized to our core and they have pushed us to the edge - some part inside of us still hopes to be loved and accepted one day by our own family. We hope that finally, we will be enough. Worthy enough of being loved.
Until one day we do not any more.
Until one day - and it may be your own children providing you with that strength you were looking for your whole life - you know if you do not protect yourself, it will completely break you.
Maybe this will be the day you finally discover some love for yourself and you see a glance of self-worth or you just realize that their toxic treatment does not only affect your overall well-being but also your children start to suffer from it.
And your children also suffer indirectly when their own mother is abused. They might either be instrumentalized and used as vehicles for criticism on their mother or they might have a wonderful relationship with those family members but suffering from either seeing their mom being disrespected or simply being affected if you as their mom is being destroyed, sad and unhealthy.
It is very important to remember that your boundaries are not for punishing them. There are for protecting YOU.
And just because you need to keep your distance from toxic family members, it does not mean that you don’t love them anymore. You may even want to keep your distance in order protect the loving memories you had with them who do not align with their current behavior.
It can be that you had a wonderful and loving relationship with one family member and then things change. Behaviors change and after years, you suddenly see a different face of them and it shocks you to your core. The person, the place, their home where you used to always feel safe, can suddenly change. Something may be broken forever. But you ca still appreciate the lovely years of love and support from before.
You can even still love them, or at least the version you knew before. But you don’t have to go there any more. You don’t have to call them when they keep disrespecting or invalidating your feelings or emotions. You don’t have to send your children there just so they have a relationship with their grandparents. You simply don’t have to.
Yes, you can remain friendly. You can still write them a birthday card and e-mails. But you don’t go there for coffee and cake. You send it by post.
You can still show your children their photographs, you can still talk normal about them with your kids. You can still share beautiful memories of them with your kids.
You can still love them.
But you can love them from afar.
Love
Linda